Arrogance?

When I first started discovering Self-Love, in a time of extended depressions, I felt like an arrogant piece of s**t learning to talk highly of himself. “Why would I ever want to become a self-centered, disgusting human being?”

Learning to love myself was an extremely long process. I’m sure I’m not that different from the rest when I say that I speak down to myself (negatively loaded thoughts) in the subconsciousness. Punishing myself for things I say and do, things I didn’t say and do and for a whole ‘nother sequence of life events.

Even though I learned the principles of self-love when I was in deep emotional pain, it took many years to see the upsides.

A perceived break-through

I did as the self-help books told me and I started writing down every little thing that I’ve ever loved and enjoyed. Hobbies, teachers, friends, family, activities, books, games, movies, songs, artists, authors, travel destinations and so on.

Magically enough, my mood rose just by acting out this exercise. Not surprising, really. What else could happen when you remind yourself of all the things you love?

The minuscule endorphin rush stuck with me and I started doing more of the things I enjoyed doing.

My self-image was growing on healthy terms, I was smiling more often and I found myself enjoying life at a higher level. Things that once bothered me did not matter any longer, people I’d held grudges against were no longer important to me and I could finally hear the singing of the birds penetrating the non-stop stream of negative thinking.

The True Waves of Life 

A blissful existence lasted for a couple of months before I started seeing a decrease in my energy levels and mood. “Why can’t I just be happy all the time?”. Many years went by and I was still puzzled by this question. New questions arose in the process of uncovering the first; what do I have to do to be happy at all times?

Albert Einstein understood something very fundamental about the human brain when he said, ‘The most important thing is to never stop asking questions.” He understood that the mind is a problem solver. The mind attacks the answer to the questions processed in the brain. So when you ask a conscious question like “What do I have to do to be happy”, Einstein believed that the mind would subconsciously start looking for the answer. I am not surprised that he was absolutely right.

The actual break through

I failed at staying happy, my self-love journey took a self-doubting turn.

The fundamental understanding that sparked the ‘aha’ moment did not come until many years later. As I’ve lived with the ADHD brain for 25 years, only knowing about it for 10 months, the waves of life have been more like tide-waves of life. At one point last year I realized that my first question (why can I not be happy all the time?) goes against the laws of the universe. Everything has a cycle.

The subconscious mind was pondering to my last question (what do I have to do be happy at all times?) when the answer struck me;

It’s impossible. You can not be happy at all times. But you can ACCEPT this fact, however! The acceptance of reality is joy in itself, as the mind is not trying to change or wish for something “better”.

There, I was sitting… allowing the answer to a question I asked years ago to flow freely in my mind, playing with its possibilities.

I can’t be happy all the times, but I can always accept my reality and allow joy to channel through that. And that’s pretty f**king close to constant happiness.

Remember how all of this started; with a deep desire to love myself exactly the way I am.

-Felipe

I have only been smoking cigarettes for a few years, but never in my wildest dreams would I imagine it would be this difficult to stop.

Just like with most people, it started innocently. I would say “yes” to a cig when drinking with my friends every once in awhile. Next thing I knew, I was buying my own packs in the store – and planning my days around when I can smoke my next cigarette.

How did it go so wrong?

 

I Watched My Mother

Struggle for my entire childhood to quit smoking. After several attempts at quitting – only to give in again, we believed she had finally done it. Her quitting app had just celebrated her three month quit-aversary when we caught her in the garage smoking again. It was devestating, and I allowed myself to feel betrayed long after.

As a child, I didn’t understand why she wanted to keep doing that to herself. I couldn’t comprehend the severity of her addiction, and what it was doing to her internally. I just thought she didn’t love herself or the family enough to give up her nasty habit.

 

When I Got A Little Older

My disdain for her and her smoking faded slightly as she successfuly rid herself of her cigarette addiction. Hooray! Mom was on the road to a healthy body, we were saving a lot of money, and she wasn’t stressed anymore.

Somewhere along the road, my young adult mind became curious about why she didn’t want to give up her cigs in the first place? Did they taste that good? Were they that satisfying? Could I smoke them and stop easier than her?

 

It Wasn’t Until College

That I was hanging out with people who smoked. My high school was a smaller venue of wealthy kids, they mostly just did drugs. College is where I was introduced to big groups of people who were smoking and offering me cigs. I said no probably a million times before I ever said yes. The yes came from years of annoyance at my mother, curiostiy, and two vodka shots too much.

I remember walking into a convenient store one morning on a call with my friend who smoked regularly. My tobacco knowledge was surely lacking, so she talked me through what brands were good and cheap – and right there I bought my first packet of cigs. I felt a little embarassed, but at the same time, mature (Looking back now however, I know that was the least mature thing I could have done).

Here I Am Almost 4 Years Later

And I have quit like 500 times. My boyfriend read in a book somewhere, that everytime you win that conversation in your head, that battle of wanting to smoke, and chose not to, that is you quitting. I still give in sometimes. When I drink the cravings come back fierce. Plus, being under the influence quiets the part of my brain that knows I have”quit” and that “one more” isn’t going to help my cravings go away. I do however quit every single day when I think about having a cig and choose not to. No one will ever know how often I quit, as no one is inside my head but me. If people around me knew how much I actually quit, they would be so proud of me.

But for now, I have to be proud of myself.

I will keep quitting until I don’t have to anymore.

 

Written by – Kayla

Instagram – @kay_palms