I have only been smoking cigarettes for a few years, but never in my wildest dreams would I imagine it would be this difficult to stop.
Just like with most people, it started innocently. I would say “yes” to a cig when drinking with my friends every once in awhile. Next thing I knew, I was buying my own packs in the store – and planning my days around when I can smoke my next cigarette.
How did it go so wrong?
I Watched My Mother
Struggle for my entire childhood to quit smoking. After several attempts at quitting – only to give in again, we believed she had finally done it. Her quitting app had just celebrated her three month quit-aversary when we caught her in the garage smoking again. It was devestating, and I allowed myself to feel betrayed long after.
As a child, I didn’t understand why she wanted to keep doing that to herself. I couldn’t comprehend the severity of her addiction, and what it was doing to her internally. I just thought she didn’t love herself or the family enough to give up her nasty habit.
When I Got A Little Older
My disdain for her and her smoking faded slightly as she successfuly rid herself of her cigarette addiction. Hooray! Mom was on the road to a healthy body, we were saving a lot of money, and she wasn’t stressed anymore.
Somewhere along the road, my young adult mind became curious about why she didn’t want to give up her cigs in the first place? Did they taste that good? Were they that satisfying? Could I smoke them and stop easier than her?
It Wasn’t Until College
That I was hanging out with people who smoked. My high school was a smaller venue of wealthy kids, they mostly just did drugs. College is where I was introduced to big groups of people who were smoking and offering me cigs. I said no probably a million times before I ever said yes. The yes came from years of annoyance at my mother, curiostiy, and two vodka shots too much.
I remember walking into a convenient store one morning on a call with my friend who smoked regularly. My tobacco knowledge was surely lacking, so she talked me through what brands were good and cheap – and right there I bought my first packet of cigs. I felt a little embarassed, but at the same time, mature (Looking back now however, I know that was the least mature thing I could have done).
Here I Am Almost 4 Years Later
And I have quit like 500 times. My boyfriend read in a book somewhere, that everytime you win that conversation in your head, that battle of wanting to smoke, and chose not to, that is you quitting. I still give in sometimes. When I drink the cravings come back fierce. Plus, being under the influence quiets the part of my brain that knows I have”quit” and that “one more” isn’t going to help my cravings go away. I do however quit every single day when I think about having a cig and choose not to. No one will ever know how often I quit, as no one is inside my head but me. If people around me knew how much I actually quit, they would be so proud of me.
But for now, I have to be proud of myself.
I will keep quitting until I don’t have to anymore.
Written by – Kayla
Instagram – @kay_palms
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