3 Best Practices For Relationships With ADHD Involved

As the neurotypical partner…

I have done my fair share of internet scowering in search of the best techniques and first hand advice to help keep my ADHD partner feeling appreciated while also finding best practices for our relationship to maintain it’s “New baby smell”, if you will.

The internet is a scary place, and you don’t have to look to far to find the type of information that would deter a neurotypical person from believing they could have a problemless relatioinship with an ADHD partner. It’s similar to googling your sickness symptoms. The top four links make you also google the nearest hospital location.

Luckily, my ADHD partner is extremely open to having conversations about how to best manage his ADHD traits while keeping our relationship thriving. That includes specific and dedicated work on both our ends.

Below are some of the ways we smooth out the bumps in our path!

1.Patience During Times of “Lag”

Admittedly, I wrote an entire blog piece on the importance of patience from both partners in a recent post on this website, check it out! What do I mean by lag? Often my ADHD partner and I joke that he seems to “Lag” (Video game reference, or VHS tape skip reference for you non-millenials) when his thinking is on overdrive and I try to start a conversation with him or ask him a question.

I always get a response, but oftentimes, it comes after an up to 30 second pause while he sorts out what is already going on inside of his head. Patience is a trait I had to learn fast, otherwise I would end up feeling unheard, ignored, or extremely annoyed.

Both the ADHD having partner, as well as the neurotypical partner, need to simply be aware that this happens. And WHY it happens. My partner and I have come to an understanding, that he will answer me as soon as he feels he can pull himself away from the stream of thoughts he is already engaged in. I will wait patiently, starting my next task. It’s the awareness that is important. As long as you are aware of what is happening, you can easily remind yourself why getting upset or feeling rejected in the situation is absolutley, the wrong way to go.

2. Deep Acceptance of the Mood Swings

I wish I could say I have this one down, but I am still learning how to combat the “Lows” that my ADHD partner finds himself in without being completely sure why, or how, to pull himself out of it. My natural instinct is to not give up on him, to keep trying, keep asking questions, keep keep keep. Believing I could do something to pull him out of his moodiness, and help him feel better, no matter how much he told me to stop, was something I struggled to let go of.

My ADHD partner lives on the Emotional Roller Coaster Express, experiencing the ride intensely, both at the top during his all time best moods, and the lows, when he can’t seem to pick himself back up.

After having many deep, honest, and respectful conversations about what this must be like for both him and I, we’ve come to an understanding of how to handle it. I just need to accept it. Once I just say “Oh well, too bad that he is in a terrible mood, and I just need to focus on how I can make myself happy right now” and then start doing just that, making myself happy without him, he gradually comes back from the pits of… well… his brain.

So my tip #2 for you is, just accept that if you are with an ADHD having partner, you can either buy a ticket for the Emotional Roller Coaster Express yourself, and join them on their lows… or you can focus on yourself and keep shining that bright light, that your ADHD partner will eventually gravitate to like a moth at a campfire.

3. Over Communication is KEY

Over communication doesn’t mean expressing every thought that fleets through your head like what flavor breakfast cereal you want to have tomorrow morning, or if you are going to clip your toenails this afternoon. It is in refrence to those real, genuine feelings and emotions that we are so used to brushing off, ignoring, or feeling embarassed by. Let’s face it, we have a million thoughts a day, most of them being entirely pointless, but several key thoughts that matter to who we are as people.

With the practice of over communication, you are never hiding what you really feel, negetively or positively, about a situation that will keep your partner guessing, or more often, ignorant about you. Both you and your partner need to stress the importance of understanding and being accepting of this kind of communication. It develops a sense of trust, that your partner isn’t hiding anything from you emotionally, because you’ve agreed on this bond of communication in any situation, good or bad.

For obvious reasons, expressing your unhappy feelings is an important part of this process. But expressing the positive, opitimistic, and happy emotions are also great ways to feel more connected and trusting. Try to have an open conversation with your partner, whether you are the neurotypical partner or the ADHD one, and see what your collective thoughts are about over communication.

If both of you are onboard, give it a go!

Maintaining a stable relationship when ADHD traits are involved is not always the easiest task on the “to do list”. It is however essential for both daily and longterm happiness.

These 3 tips are just a fraction of the puzzle, but they are the most significant beginning actions one can take.

May you continue to share happiness with the one you love.

Written by Kayla

ADHD Relationships

They refused to give me meds for ADHD in South East Asia!

A mental breakdown

Five days ago I was angrily walking from pharmacy to pharmacy in Bali, Indonesia to find ADHD meds. I had snapped on my girlfriend for a comment she made about a YouTube video I was editing for our channel. It was a silly reason to get hurt. I took it personally when there was no reason to. I blamed it on my brain. My brain is an ADHD brain. I was tired of it! I’ve had enough of these mood-swings reflecting a 14 year old with PMS. Why is it that I can be in a good mood, literally the second after be tossing unnecessary aggressive comments to someone I love?

I’ve never even taken ADHD meds! I made a quick Google search to find clues to where and what I could find in Bali. Few minutes after I was in the streets of Kuta demanding pharmacists to give me Prohiper. A drug that is supposed to resemble adderall. “You need doctor note” is what they managed to get across in broken English. “You’re useless” I said and walked out.

Challenges I never thought I had to face

Isn’t one supposed to be happy, adventurous and joyous when traveling to a completely new place you’ve never been before? Isn’t it supposed to be a “break” from daily living, seeing a tourist attraction any human would die to explore? Guess not!

The challenges arises when feelings and thoughts cross my heart and mind when I least expect it. It’s a constant battle to keep myself afloat and on an optimistic cloud. Of course I want to be upbeat and happy when I explore a new place! Of course I understand that it’s silly to allow meaningless comments and happenings to enter my dome, so much that it affects my mood. But at times I just can’t help it! I can’t seem to stop falling into the vortex of misery!

I find myself battling pessimism and negative thought patterns every day. Most of my energy is spent detecting it and systematically working against it for it to not pull me down with it. It’s a daily mental game of tag. My consciousness chasing my uncontrolled subconsciousness. And the hardest challenge isn’t for the consciousness to tag the subconsciousness. The hardest challenge is to hide the consciousness safely from the opponent.

So how do I fix it?

Well… getting Prohiper and swallowing half a packet was my initial solution. Maybe it was a good thing that I didn’t get my hands on it. Seriously though, I think over-communication is the solution. Not only to this, but to everything. My girlfriend is so incredibly understanding and compassionate. She knows I’m on a low when I’m on a low. It’s hard for me to express what I feel when I’m in a pissy mood because most of the time I don’t even know why. I tend to blame her. “You made me feel this way!”. Which obviously isn’t true. When I calm down I manage to pull out some constructive comments for her:

“When you see me being in a pissy mood, show utter compassion. Tell me you understand. Tell me it sucks that I feel this way right now and that we both know it won’t last forever. Let me be mad by myself. Don’t leave me alone, though. Be there presently. And don’t try to ‘fix’ it. If I don’t know how, you definitely won’t know either. So just give it time. Hold my hand. Kiss my forehead. Watch a fun video with me”.

We’re only in our mid 20s. Being adults and trying to over-communicate is hard. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s so god damn necessary! To me it has been the only solution so far. Not only when I’m in a bad mood, but when I’m in an excellent mood, too! Addressing why I feel happy helps me understand how I can keep the flow of love and optimism going. And us ADHD’ers are the most loving people on Earth when we feel good and appreciated!

Wrapping up

Learning how to detect our thought patterns isn’t an easy task. Actually, it is really f**king hard! So having someone I can communicate with about my thoughts and feelings is beyond helpful. The process of loving myself has also been a long one, but I know why it’s important. Even when my mood sucks, I have to remind myself that it is part of who I am right now. And that’s ok! I’m practicing patience and self-awareness on a daily. Being in Asia while doing so mixes the practice with all types of impulses and expressions. But I’m growing and understanding myself deeper every single day. And reminding myself that is happiness in itself.

-Felipe

Don’t Let Others Choose For You

Stereotypically, the best art, music, and poetry come from an artist who has experienced deep emotions and translate those fiercely into their work.

Let’s see if those parameters apply to a blog as well….

We all fall out of a womb at one point, and then stumble around blind untill we die. Or at least, that is what it feels like I am doing. Sure, we have parents and friends who guide us, give us advice and try to keep us from making their same mistakes… but ultimately, every choice from what we study in school, down to which socks to wear tomorrow morning, are decisions we make for ourselves, to the best of our abilities.

And we are only human, dealing with this immense pressure from society and relatives to always make the best decisions, and often times we let those people down, or fail to make the choices that they would have chosen for us, given the chance.

In reality, a lot of the decisions our inner voices urge us to make can and do go against societal norms, a recipe for outcasting. But that is the beauty, that everyone is unique, just like everybody else.If you are struggling to make a difficult decision that goes against the wishes of those you love, or the standard parameters that your culture sets for your life, then keep reading.

I grew up with very liberal parents, in Florida, USA. But as accepting of others as they were, and despite the amount of times I was taught to not judge others for their beliefs, color of their skin, or life choices, I seemed to be an acception to them.Mom and Dad were open minded in many ways, to different cultures and religions, never commenting rude opinions or judgements. But when it came to my choices or my decisions, it was always “No you can’t, because they will think ‘this’ way about you”. Or, “Don’t do that, because how am I going to explain that to your grandmother”.

I believed that we were all free to make our own decisions, and thankfully, they instilled me with this value of being as accepting of all people.

Then, I dropped out of college. I got a tattoo. I pierced my bellybutton. I wanted to travel and live nomadically with little money, attempting the self growth and exploration goals I had dreamed of since I was a little girl. They did not approve of this, and before I could shed a tear, they had given me 60 days to move out of the house and never contact them for money ever again.

Truthfully, this was the push I needed to start following my dreams of being a traveling content creator. I had the comforts of home, (after moving back in at 24 becuase I had no place else to go) food in the fridge when I needed it, and the safety of parental oversite.

So, I packed. Society wanted me to go back to college, not my parents. Neither of them went to University, but believed that in order for me to succeed or fit into the puzzle of our modern day economic society, that I had to follow the path laid out for me by said entity. I know so many people like me, who dream of achieving something outside the realm of their loved ones wishes, but many of those people cave, and revert to completing whatever task had been assigned to them since nearly birth.

Making your own choices in life can be intimidating, especially after having someone else make them for you since you can even remember. But it’s addicting. Once you follow your heart, just once, you are hooked, at least I know that I am. The hollywood “rebellious” teen showcases this addiction, but we paint “rebellious” in such dark color, rather than acknowledging that though there are many people who’se puzzle pieces fit perfectly into society, modern day society is not for everyone. And THAT should be okay.

Nothing is for everyone. Introduce me to even a set of twins that are so identical that they literally want, care, and feel in every exact same way, and I will delete this article.

But nothing is for everyone, that is the beauty in our uniqueness. We have this desire for others, for the ones we love, to “achieve” whatever it is we believe is right for them to achieve, in our own eyes, but we are simply viewing these people from the filter of our own experiences… guaranteed to be a much different filter from the one they view the world through.

No one dictates my life. I barely even do, I just go with the flow in the present moment and do what feels right to my inner voice. Others are more than welcome to guide me, I welcome that guidance with open ears and an open heart. But ultimately, I am going to take the decisions that will make me happy, take me closer to where I want to go, and follow the path that I imagine for myself.

I hope you will do the same. I hope you won’t let toxic friends, relatives, or loved ones be your life map, because every human has the right to write their own map for themsevles. Take that risk that goes against your culture, and laugh at those in your circle who snob their noses at you, for those aren’t true friends you want in your life anyway. Make decisions for YOUR future, not the future your family wants for you. You have to live it, not them, and just like my family who contacted me after several months with an apology and with the high hopes of opening up lines of communication with their daughter again, yours will come around once they see you happy with your own decisions.

My parents just believed I wouldn’t be happy unless I followed their road map, but upon the realization that I have the ability to make my own happiness from within, under whatever the circumstance, they came back around.Yours will eventually, too.

Stop caring about what other people think, about what other people want for your life, and you will find extreme happiness in your own decisions.

I am rooting for you.

Written by, Kayla

Mindfulness Practice and ADHD

Mindfulness practice has been proven to be incredibly beneficial for better mental health and over all cognitive improvements. There are countless apps, courses, guided and un-guided practices one can indulge in to start their own and personal practice towards a more controlled and desirable mental life.

So then how is this supposed to work for someone with ADHD? We process so many thoughts at high speed and a higher rate than a neurotypical person. I’m supposed to sit still, listen to someone guide me through my thoughts, become aware of them and put them in categories. Breathe. “In… Out”. Feel the chest and abdomen rise and fall in rhythmic matter. Become one with the body, with the sensation of the breathe entering and exiting my lungs. Become aware of feelings arising. I once read that ADHD’ers don’t have that space between impression and emotional reaction like a neurotypical has. When we register an inner or outer impression, our bodies react with an emotion, not with a constructive follow-up judgement of that impression. At least that’s how it is for me. A meditation practice then becomes a juggle of feelings. A clusterfuck of emotions and thoughts firing at each other, while trying to sit still and concentrate on instructions given by a voice, which essentially just are soundwaves projected through the internet…

Damnit, I’m derailing. My mind is struggling to concentrate on writing this blogpost about meditation. A meditation practice for an ADHD brain writing about meditation. What? Ok ok, let me get back into it, stay with me here!

The Advantages

The past 7 days I’ve meditated every day. At first I couldn’t get this one thought to stop processing in my brain; “why the hell am I doing this?”. I could be swimming in the pool, riding my scooter, spending time with my girlfriend or procrastinating on something I should be doing, like meditating! The practice is supposed to bring you back to a comfortable sensation in the body, like the breathe, when your mind wanders off. It’s very human for the brain to wander off, it’s not only for ADHD’ers. But for us it can happen at such a rate! When my mind drifts off during meditation it usually goes to something I need to do, a task I want to complete, the worry of not having eaten breakfast or brushed my teeth or said “I love you” to my girlfriend or texted my mom to let her know I am O.K or do I have enough money for the rest of my travels or…. The meditation practice is almost over and I haven’t paid attention to half of what has been said… no chance I’m starting over. I’ll try again tomorrow.

I forced myself through the first practices, and after the 3rd practice I started noticing something rather magical. I felt like I Bounced Back from unwanted thoughts and emotions quicker. Unnecessary thought patterns that serve goose-egg, nothing! “Oh look a squirre… Nope, focusing on the road ahead while driving 80 km/h is more important”.

Not only that, but I have developed a tendency to use my feelings as guidance instead of something to act upon. I am getting better at separating myself from the feelings I feel. I can detect anger, sadness, stress, anxiety and say “That feeling is stress. That one is anxiety” and so on. In that way detaching myself from the feeling and emotion, instead of identifying with it and making it my reality.
I’ve also noticed my ability to drift away from pessimistic thinking and negative thought patterns. Using my consciousness to evaluate my thoughts and feelings. And again, being aware of that bringing me a higher sense of Self.

Concluded conclusion

This second layer of awareness brings something even more magical: Joy and happiness. Wow! I can create happiness by simply detecting various feelings in my body? Holy shit!

Meditation has brought countless new amazing experiences just after 7 days. Therefore, I am most likely going to start procrastinating on it now.

– Felipe

A relationship with an ADHD partner

Evidence suggests that being in a relationship with an ADHD partner can result in extra stress, relationship problems, and often times, one or both partners feeling unwanted or not paid attention to. I, the non-ADHD partner, am currently in a realtionship with an ADHD having partner who is the most incredible man I have ever met. He does come with his own set of challenges related to his ADHD, but I myself have problems just like every other human being that we both have to tackle as a team.

I once read that the problems in your ADHD (And any relationship, for that matter) are not you vs. your partner, but they are you and your partner vs. the problem.

If you fall in love with an ADHD diagnosed person, there are many steps you can take to create the best envrionment possible for both you and your partner to thrive. It must be a team effort though, you and your partner against the problem

My biggest tip, is patience. Though that concept can and should be applied to all aspects of your life, having patience in an ADHD relationship will reduce stress, arguments, and produce a deeper level of understanding between both partners. My partner has an abundance of thoughts at all times. He seems to think in 4d, having multiple conversations with himself in his head without exception.

Often times I speak to him, or ask him questions, and get no response for even up to thirty seconds. It can be frustrating at times, as I would like an answer to my question or an awknoledgement that I was heard. In the beginning of our relationship, I struggled with feeling ignored. It is common in an ADHD relationship for the non ADHD partner to feel like they are not getting enough attention from their partner.

It took real, honest conversations about how we both felt regarding the situation, and what we would like out of the other person with respect to our individual perceptions of how our relationship should function.

We wrote a manifesto, a document outlining exactly the aspects of our relationship we think are important to keep us going strong, and found the word PATIENCE written several times. It became our running theme!

Now, I understand his characteristics better, especially the ADHD characteristics that shine brightly in my man. We mutually agreed to have patience with each other when I ask him questions and his head is too full to fit me in that exact moment.

I wait patiently, continuing with what I am doing until I get a response from him, because I know I will get one eventually. Sometimes, he may have heard me speak but what I said was not registered in his brain, almost like he lagged, so he will ask me to repeat myself.

This just takes patience and lots of respect, and reminding myself that I love him AND his ADHD characteristics! I no longer feel ignored or disrespected when it takes several moments for him to pull himself into reality, as I appreciate his attempts to connect with me in any way that he can. It is easy for me to repeat my question or comment, not a hassle or stress, though for some they may label that as annoyance.

Those people just need to practice the art of patience, or better yet, an abundance of it.

If both partners in a one sided ADHD relationship can effeciently communicate their needs to each other, and agree on a high level of patience excuted by both, then I promise you, any pesky problems that those experts say ruin ADHD relationships can be easily overcome.

Patience and love, an extremely powerful combination.

Written by, Kayla

How I developed the courage to chase my dreams

Part 1

The story really starts before I was born, when my Chilean parents moved to Norway in 1988. I was born 5 years after, in 1993.

We didn’t have a good relationship growing up, my parents and I, but because of that I got to experience life and give it personal input from the early age of 17. In Norway, the social system had me covered. Even though I left home early I knew the government would take care of me. That was my first leap of faith, leaving my parents house, against their will, to pursue a happier tomorrow.

That was the best decision I ever took.

From that day I’ve experienced the happiest moments of life and the most critical a human being can experience. I’ve fought back suicidal thoughts on two different occasions, followed by events I didn’t know how to handle.

Those moments of total misery brought the heaviest learning lessons. Lessons that would help me grow to the emotionally strong young man I am today. I’ve learned how to value my own opinions of my Self first, how to detect damaging thoughts lingering in the unconsciousness and how to put myself in positions to succeed.

On top of this roller coaster of a young life I’ve also developed the doubt of my mind being neuro-typical. I truly believe I have lived with ADHD my entire life without having it diagnosed. I still haven’t gotten it diagnosed, but everything I read, all videos I see and all the people that know me say that it is highly likely that I have the condition. My girlfriend and I moved to Asia yesterday, more specifically the island of Bali. I got an appointment with psychologists in Norway to uncover my doubt of ADHD, but unfortunately I will be in Asia at the time of the appointment. I will have to wait until November or December.

Never the less, I’m doing something I’ve always wanted to do. Travel to unknown places working on my passion to become a better storyteller through film-making, blogs and content for the various social platforms of our time. Having a rather unusual personal story I find it simple to express what I have experienced and how I have related to the experiences the universe have given me. Some say everything happens for a reason, I say it doesn’t matter what happens to you, only how you react to it. That piece of wisdom has served me incredibly well in the journey of life.

One more piece of wisdom I would like to share before I round up:

Patience.

Life is long. I’m only 25. With today’s technology one can only imagine how fast is will develop in the next 10-20-30 years. Who knows, maybe there will be a small chip-device you can inject on the inside of your skin that tells you all you vital signs and alerts the app on your phone. When you should drink water, exercise or take your iron pills. With a device like that we will live longer than humanity has every seen. I predict I will live until I am 150 years of human age. I’ll keep you posted about this 😉

But patience… No reason to rush. One step at a time. If there were not enough hours today, tomorrow will come. Schedule. Plan. Structure. I’m currently working on implementing this practice to keep track of my ideas, plans and tasks I need to complete.

Thank you Bounce Back for giving us this immense opportunity to grow, share our thoughts, feelings and everything a human being needs to feel fulfilled and happy.

You rock!

Love, Felipe <3