A mental breakdown
Five days ago I was angrily walking from pharmacy to pharmacy in Bali, Indonesia to find ADHD meds. I had snapped on my girlfriend for a comment she made about a YouTube video I was editing for our channel. It was a silly reason to get hurt. I took it personally when there was no reason to. I blamed it on my brain. My brain is an ADHD brain. I was tired of it! I’ve had enough of these mood-swings reflecting a 14 year old with PMS. Why is it that I can be in a good mood, literally the second after be tossing unnecessary aggressive comments to someone I love?
I’ve never even taken ADHD meds! I made a quick Google search to find clues to where and what I could find in Bali. Few minutes after I was in the streets of Kuta demanding pharmacists to give me Prohiper. A drug that is supposed to resemble adderall. “You need doctor note” is what they managed to get across in broken English. “You’re useless” I said and walked out.
Challenges I never thought I had to face
Isn’t one supposed to be happy, adventurous and joyous when traveling to a completely new place you’ve never been before? Isn’t it supposed to be a “break” from daily living, seeing a tourist attraction any human would die to explore? Guess not!
The challenges arises when feelings and thoughts cross my heart and mind when I least expect it. It’s a constant battle to keep myself afloat and on an optimistic cloud. Of course I want to be upbeat and happy when I explore a new place! Of course I understand that it’s silly to allow meaningless comments and happenings to enter my dome, so much that it affects my mood. But at times I just can’t help it! I can’t seem to stop falling into the vortex of misery!
I find myself battling pessimism and negative thought patterns every day. Most of my energy is spent detecting it and systematically working against it for it to not pull me down with it. It’s a daily mental game of tag. My consciousness chasing my uncontrolled subconsciousness. And the hardest challenge isn’t for the consciousness to tag the subconsciousness. The hardest challenge is to hide the consciousness safely from the opponent.
So how do I fix it?
Well… getting Prohiper and swallowing half a packet was my initial solution. Maybe it was a good thing that I didn’t get my hands on it. Seriously though, I think over-communication is the solution. Not only to this, but to everything. My girlfriend is so incredibly understanding and compassionate. She knows I’m on a low when I’m on a low. It’s hard for me to express what I feel when I’m in a pissy mood because most of the time I don’t even know why. I tend to blame her. “You made me feel this way!”. Which obviously isn’t true. When I calm down I manage to pull out some constructive comments for her:
“When you see me being in a pissy mood, show utter compassion. Tell me you understand. Tell me it sucks that I feel this way right now and that we both know it won’t last forever. Let me be mad by myself. Don’t leave me alone, though. Be there presently. And don’t try to ‘fix’ it. If I don’t know how, you definitely won’t know either. So just give it time. Hold my hand. Kiss my forehead. Watch a fun video with me”.
We’re only in our mid 20s. Being adults and trying to over-communicate is hard. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s so god damn necessary! To me it has been the only solution so far. Not only when I’m in a bad mood, but when I’m in an excellent mood, too! Addressing why I feel happy helps me understand how I can keep the flow of love and optimism going. And us ADHD’ers are the most loving people on Earth when we feel good and appreciated!
Learning how to detect our thought patterns isn’t an easy task. Actually, it is really f**king hard! So having someone I can communicate with about my thoughts and feelings is beyond helpful. The process of loving myself has also been a long one, but I know why it’s important. Even when my mood sucks, I have to remind myself that it is part of who I am right now. And that’s ok! I’m practicing patience and self-awareness on a daily. Being in Asia while doing so mixes the practice with all types of impulses and expressions. But I’m growing and understanding myself deeper every single day. And reminding myself that is happiness in itself.